How to win a somersault competition against a monkey


Sorry!: We didn't have any photos of monkeys climbing a toilet bowl, so we just threw in one of a monkey eating a banana instead. Enjoy.

Sorry!: We didn’t have any photos of monkeys climbing a toilet bowl, so we just threw in one of a monkey eating a banana instead. Enjoy.

I WAS part of a group of university students who travelled to Bali. When I became monkey king, I forgot all about them.

We were supposed to leave Bali in a few more days. I was curious as to what my human friends might have been up to, so I brought the troupe of 193 monkeys over to their villa to pay my respects.

Sally, my lecturer, had given me up for lost! The last she’d seen of me was in the Kuta, asking a male prostitute what the time was, and she assumed that “Kuta has him now”. She planned to rip off the plot of Hangover 2 to explain to the university and to my family how they would never see me again. The official story was that after I died from an overdose of coke, they hid me in the freezer. Then couldn’t find me again.

Anyway, she was a bit annoyed I hadn’t told her I’d been promoted to King of the Monkeys earlier. She also asked me to put some clothes back on. Jo-Jo rifled through one of the girls’ suitcases for some decent swimmers so she could use the pool and look out over the rice paddies. The girl who owned the suitcase busted Jo-Jo and told her to “$#@! off (insert four letter word of your choice).

Well, nobody talks to Jo-Jo that way. She started a riot and all my uni friends hid. The guys barricaded themselves in their bathroom, Antonio trying to ward off the “bloody monsters” with his guitar. Jason was trying to film what he described as a “riot monkey survival documentary” but then one of the monkeys climbed up the pipes into the toilet bowl and, well, tried to drown him.

The others were contemplating which martial art would work best to take out a monkey’s heart but then someone farted and all the monkeys and human guys laughed it off. So they shook hands, apologised, and played a game of strip poker.

“Me sorry.”

“How the hell did you fit up that toilet bowl? Respect.”

“Ha ha ha ha.”

Emile (human) and Jo-Jo (monkey)  had a competition to see who could do the most somersaults while drunk. I tried to make Emile see some reason, to warn her she couldn’t possibly win as she slapped down five hundred thousand Rupiah. Jo-Jo, with a pair of Julie’s bra’s strangely wrapped around her head, managed a triple somersault. Emile won, but only because she fooled the monkeys into believing that falling on the arse was an advanced trick. The more drunken girls used the distraction to smuggle a random monkey into a suitcase.

Someone turned on the music and we all got involved with the monkey, the happy dance, and the robot.I think we all passed out on the cushions to the sound of the chicken dance, and drunk on Bintang. I believe a few neighbours complained, but Chompy bit them.

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Categories: Bali, Humor | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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