THIS is the best part of the top 10 coolest monkey list (numbers 5 to 1). Now, you can pretend this blog is called “Top 5 coolest monkeys” and just read on, (and in today’s busy world of Iphones, Wii Us, and unemployment, who could blame you?) or you can detour to what made part 1 of the monkey list here.
5) Drug dealing monkey (Hangover 2)
Quote: Alan: When a monkey nibbles on a penis, it’s funny in any language!
This movie got a bit of heat for having a plotline like the first Hangover. That’s rubbish. Totally different movies. In this one, there’s a monkey! And the characters are in a new country. It’s called Thigh-land.
Despite precautions, the wolf pack (Phil, Stu, Alan, and Doug) get roofied and have a wild time in Bangkok. When they wake up the next morning, a day before Phil’s wedding, they find an international crime lord and a monkey in their bedroom. Among other things.
They’ve also lost their memory, and Phil’s soon to be brother-in-law.
But enough about the plot. More about the monkey. Well, Bangkok drug dealers keep him to deal drugs. That’s pretty much all that makes him cool. He’s probably the most badass of all the monkeys on this list, but he’s employed as well.
And we support that.
4) Rafiki (The Lion King)
Quote: Simba: Creepy little monkey. Would you stop following me! Who are you?
Rafiki: The question is, who…are you?
Simba: I thought I knew, but now I’m not so sure.
Rafiki: Well, I know who you are! Shh, come here, it’s a secret. [leans into Simba’s ear] Asante sana squash banana. Wiwi nugu mi mi apana!
With most of the other monkeys on the list, I have to check on the internet to remind myself of their best moments. Not Rafiki.
His defining moments involve his whacking stick. A warrior monkey monk who uses his whacking stick against an army of hyenas is definitely on the cool list. But also he is the one to persuade Simba to return to Pride Rock to confront his Uncle Scar. Thus making him king.
Just pretend Rafiki’s “In Upendi! Where the passionfruits grow sweet” song in the sequel doesn’t exist. Do your children a favour and don’t let them watch it while their brains are like sponges. The song has never left my head and it’s been a decade since I last heard it.
3) Abu (Aladdin)
Quote: Princess Jasmine [to Iago the parrot]: How could you double cross Aladdin after all he’s done for you?
Abu: [chatters angrily]
Iago: Hey! Do I insult your mother?
First of all, Aladdin is the coolest Disney movie of them all. You can decide the coolest Disney movie by deciding which Disney Princess is the hottest. Jasmine won. She has a pet tiger. That’s hot (I’m a male swine, I acknowledge this).
BUT also…while other Disney movie heroes get frogs, or mice, or birds for side kicks, Aladdin has a monkey. A monkey that steals and loves bright shiny things! A monkey that picks locks. A monkey that wears a FEZ!
2) Jack (Pirates of the Carribean).
Quote: Captain Barbossa: Thank yee Jack.
Jack Sparrow: You’re welcome.
Captain Barbossa: Not you. We named the monkey Jack.
First of all, an undead monkey is awesome. Being the undead monkey companion for an undead pirate captain of The Black Pearl is even more awesome. The fact is, he’s a pest. No food, no drink, no purse is safe on that ship. Not because of the pirates. But because of the pirate monkey, who can swoop down and take whatever it wants. There are so many good Jack moments, but unfortunately you have to sit through Pirates 2 and 3 to watch most of them. On another note, I didn’t think 4 was that bad a movie. There. I said it.
1) The five little monkeys that keep jumping on the bed (nursery rhyme/bedtime story.
Quote: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed! One fell off and bumped his head. They called for the doctor and the doctor said “No more (bloody) monkeys jumping on the bed!”
Why are the five little monkeys on here? Because a big part of being cool is being a rebel. And these monkeys introduced most of us to the meaning of rebellion. They defined it by jumping on that bed not just two times, or three times, but FOUR more times after the doctor explicitly told them not to. That’s a great example of rebellion for little children who hear that little nursery rhyme.
“Sure,” you might say. “That might put them at number 10. Nine maybe. Why 1!!”
Cause I’m screwing with you in an effort to be funny. The real number 1 brings this blog to a much darker tone:
The real 1) BUBBLES!
Quote: Quincy Jones: Bubbles is more fun than a lot of people I know. I saw Bubbles at a wedding in a tux. He has great table manners (quote sourced here).
Basically, Bubbles was the Chimpanzee sidekick to the rich, eccentric rock star who invented the moonwalk and thriller. He drank Japanese green tea with MJ and the mayor of Osaka. He’s associated with Hollywood A listers. He lived in a mansion where he shared the same room as MJ and used his toilet. Rumour has it he even learnt to do the moonwalk, but the cynic in me doesn’t believe that, as much as I want to.
But there’s a dark side to Bubbles, a complexity in him beyond the fictional personality cut-outs of the others on this list (the only exception, perhaps, being the five little monkeys). He was rescued from an animal testing facility in the 80s (apparently), and if we were to romanticise him we could imagine he battled his traumatic childhood throughout his life in the glitters of Hollywood.
Unfortunately he was moved to a centre for apes because he became too aggressive and dangerous to live with MJ and his children. Whether he is abandoned entirely by the Jacksons after MJ died…well, I don’t know that. Rumours (and nothing substantial that I can find with a proper source) claim that in the centre, Bubbles tried to commit suicide.
Self-termination is something monkeys can do.
He is still alive, and no doubt will remain so another 30 years, if the lifespan of a Chimpanzee is anything to go by.
OK, so he’s technically an ape, not a monkey, but he deserves to be on here.
Mr Teeny, Curious George, Chim Chim (Speed Racer), undead monkeys from the Mummy 2, food taster from Indiana Jones, barrel of monkeys from Toy Story, that martial arts Monkey who inspired Dragon Ball. Winged monkey from Oz the great and the powerful.
Better luck at next year’s awards.