THERE is no point being a dictator king unless you have a manifesto written. All the great kings have them apparently. And heaven forbid I be seen to be unfashionable.
Scribes have recorded my spoken laws. There are seven of them. Why seven? Because seven is a powerful number. Seven stands for the number of Harry Potter books (forget the movies), seven stands for the number of Star Wars movies when the next one comes out (animations don’t count!), and seven stands for the number of rules I was able to rip off out of George Orwell’s Animal Farm.
Let this manifesto be shared on the blogosphere as:
THE GLORIOUSLY MAJESTIC MANIFESTO OF KING CHEWBACCA VON WOOKIE.
1. Whatever goes upon two legs is either the Monkey King, an enemy, or a tourist. It’s difficult to tell the difference sometimes, so avoid the compulsion to bite until after asking “who goes there!” A real enemy worth his salt usually acknowledges that he is a bit of a dick.
2. Whatever has four legs or wings is not likely to have a valid driver’s licence.
3. Monkeys should always wear clothes in the presence of the Monkey King. Suits, ties, fezzes, monocles or bowler hats are advised.
4. Next time, if you insist on stealing the Monkey King’s mattress and are trying to lug it onto your home tree so you can sleep on it, at least have the decency to use sheets. No eating in the bed. You’ve got the rest of the tree to do that.
5. Make sure you have enough Bintang to share if you’re drinking in public.
6. No monkey should kill another monkey under the age of two.
7. All monkeys are equal. For those who did not go to school, this means that:
one monkey = one monkey.
One woman monkey = one man monkey.
Two monkeys with missing limbs = two non-mutilated monkeys.
One mass murdering monkey = one good church going monkey OR a respectable Hindu priest monkey.
I think I accidentally used basic mathematics to highlight gender, religious and disability equality. Genius.