THIS is the second Meet The Monkey, where we learn about one of my monkey citizens. This time round we’re going to interview Mojo! I have mentioned this blighter quite frequently recently. He’s also in my coronation portrait. He’s being punished for hacking onto my Facebook.
Profession: thief, stand-up comedian, brain surgeon, the Monkey King’s footrest, Dunce, karate master, superhero, professional exaggerator.
First mention in All Hail the Monkey King: In Party Hard or Go Home (July 7 2013). At a onesie party, Mojo persuaded a drunk Monkey King to have a go at fire twirling.
Birthplace: a circus in Thailand.
MK/ Really? How’d you get here?
MOJO/ Um…circus life is like a prison. It was a cruel upbringing where they tied me in a sack and whacked me with bamboo canes for fun.
And you also had to learn tricks. There was this horrible trick where I had to drive a motorbike through a fire hoop. And juggle at the same time. Chainsaws! Three of them. And when I refused to do it my rations were halved for a week. So I escaped. I climbed a tree to get away from the trainers, and they climbed up to get me, and then I grabbed a bird’s legs and it flew me all the way to Indonesia.
MK/ You’re a liar.
MOJO/ That wasn’t a question…but yeah, I am. So what? Your blog is full of lies anyway.
MK/ That’s a lie! Everything on here is the truth!
MOJO/ Oh yeah? Then why haven’t you deleted my deceitful answers?
Arch-enemies: Clowns. Especially Ronald McDonald. In my young days I insulted the Clowns Guild (yeah. They have a guild which was formerly known as the Assassin’s Guild). I’m blacklisted and they are powerful enemies. You might think they’re funny…but that’s what they want you to think. Until they hide in a drain and rip your arms off.
Religion: You know the one where you don’t give a stuff so that you can let life pass you by, and then when you die you can say to the god who greets you that you had his back the whole time? Akunamatataism.
If you could go out on a date with one celebrity, who would it be?: Come on! She’s all I talk about. Lady Gaga.
What would you do on this date?: We would dress in the craziest gear you could think of (think bright colours, parasols, bow ties) and then we’d go to…um…Singapore! And eat sting ray and dumplings in a hawker’s market. But only if that’s what she wanted to do. Then I’d kiss her. And tell her she’s beautiful.
Relationships: I’m single.
MOJO/ Alright. I have three girlfriends and two wives in the monkey forest. And I have a sister I left at the circus in Thailand. And a pen pal from Kenya. And Brazil. And Vietnam. And India. And Ubud.
MK/ You live in Ubud, fool!
MOJO/ Yeah, but you can never write too many letters. People/monkeys really appreciate it when you write handwritten letters. It shows that you care. That you took the time to steal a pen and grab some bark and put some coherent letters and words together.
My opinion of King Chewbacca the Monkey King: Um…he’s a gullible fool who shouldn’t leave his smart phone lying around, especially if he doesn’t want his Facebook hacked. But other than that, he’s not a bad drinking buddy.
View on monarchy: What’s that? Oh…yeah, the king and queens and princes and crap. Honestly, I don’t get how one royal family gets all the attention in the media. It suggests to me that royalty no longer has anything to do with the power and roles of running a kingdom. Instead, it’s a gene pool that provides a source of celebrities that the media sorely crave as a cheap source of “information” gathering. There. I said it.
Favourite blog: There’s one about this monkey who travels the world. His name is Kongo. If you’re reading this, Kongo, I just wanna tell you you’re an inspiration to all of us! Keep living the (sniff) dream.