SEVERAL weeks ago, I wrote a list of things I wanted to achieve before I turned 24. Achievements included capturing a drop bear, buying a toothbrush and partying with the Bundy Rum bear.
Even though I only have until early November to have a meaningful life – I haven’t fulfilled anything on the list.
So to help me feel better about myself, I am not going to try to cross things off the list.Instead, I’m going to write a more negative list which will suggest how much sci-fi fantasy has corrupted me. It will be a list of 24 things I hope will never happen.
1) A respectable scientist (Stephen Hawking) announces that because of humanity’s irresponsibility to the environment, Drop Bears have become extinct. And that they are too dangerous to ever clone back to life.
2) Hollywood producers (Universal Studios?) ask me if the Monkey King wants to guest star in the upcoming Superman vs Batman movie. When I rock up to our first meeting in LA, they burst out laughing, saying “Who are you? Oh yeah. We were only playing.”
3) Nobody comes to my birthday party. Not even monkeys.
4) Aqua are paid to perform at my birthday party. Even they don’t show up.
5) The icebergs all melt. The sea levels rise dramatically, and penguins declare war on my Monkey Kingdom, which now has prime ocean views.
6) War between monkeys and penguins (actually, that would be cool).
7) Potatoes cease to exist. This means no chips, mashed potato, fried potato, other forms of potato, or spud guns.
8) I go on three dates with “the perfect woman” only to find she’s a male. And a monkey.
9) The internet gets erased, making me realise everything I’ve done the last five years has been destroyed.
10) Forced into a very public rap battle against Eminem. And he’s a dick about how much I suck.
11) Hollywood makes a C grade movie called Super Monkey vs Giant Octopus.
12) Dr Who regenerates into a monkey.
13) A super virus is released, wiping out 90 per cent of the world’s population. The remaining 10 per cent gather into two different tribes, where they then declare war on each other.
14) A Back to the Future remake, with Doc reimagined as a Nazi scientist cryogenically frozen from the 1930s. The movie is set in modern day Tijuana (Mexico). Taylor Lautner stars as Marty. (ACTUALLY…I wouldn’t mind this. Let’s just not call it Back to the Future).
15) Aliens (Daleks?) invade and put humans into prison camps in the Asteroid Belt.
16) Justin Bieber becomes a father (I’ve had enough of famous babies for this year).
17) In the spirit of world peace, every country must give up two of their teenagers, who dress as superheroes and villains. They then fight each other to the death.
18) Someone cuts the monkey forest down.
19) A precious resource (unobtainium?) is discovered in Bali. High concentrates of the rare mineral is discovered under the monkey forest fountain. Robot monkeys are sent in from mining corporations to spy out our weaknesses.
20) My parents buy a house next to the monkey forest and employ detectives to keep an eye on me.
21) The Bundy Rum bear dies.
22) Forced to work in a slave labor camp. Complete with whips, gluten free gruel, without internet access. The horror!
23) A blue koala-gremlin drops into the forest, forcing the intergalactic emperor to destroy the planet with the Death Star.
24) The monkeys watch Planet of the Apes.