Somewhere in Bundaberg,
Dear MR The Bundy Rum Bear
Did you know Bundy Rum has a reputation of being sold to idiots, aggressive drinkers, and yobbos? Are you a yobbo, Bundy Rum bear? Mr Rum Bear, why do people in the beer ads always look like they are having fun? I visited an RSL Club once. I ordered a Bundy Rum, and the veterans all said it was a drink for “wife beaters”. I took insult to this, and would have fought them, but they were senior citizens. And they would have kicked my arse as well. I love you, Bundy Rum Bear. Are you actually a mister? Do animals get the title “Mr?” Or do you have a doctorate? I hope so, because then I could call you Dr Bundy Rum Bear. Do you ever eat Rum Balls? What a stupid question. Of course you do. I bet you live off rum, and need to find creative recipes. Otherwise you’d go mad. It says in the Holy Bible that bears cannot live off rum alone. Wikipedia said that Bundaberg rum started when the sugar mills couldn’t get rid of leftover by products (molasses) cheaply enough. Someone had the idea of distilling it. Of course I don’t mean to bore you with history. I just want to impress you. There might seem a little bit of mockery to this letter but I can assure you there is none. I love bears. I think we should replace the emu and the kangaroo mascots on the Australian coat of arms with you. I mean, what have those two animals done for us lately, anyway? Some say you escaped a private Sydney zoo owned by a Hollywood actor. You wanted to get to the north pole. So you hitchhiked. Unfortunately, the uni student willing to take you anywhere was only going to Bundaberg to visit his grandmother. You wandered the fields of sugar cane, losing yourself to the sweet, sweet sugary goodness. Unfortunately you were tracked down and chased into the Bundy Rum factory, where you developed an appreciation for distillation. A grizzled old man with an eyebrow ring and a southern cross tattoo on his right cheek gave you a tour of the factory. You knew this was where you were meant to be. The cops and zoo keepers busted in at this moment, and after a fight which involved the tearing off of limbs, you wobbled off to make some rum. The surviving cops saw how happy you were, and didn’t have the heart or the guts to detain you further. You won your freedom. So begins a legend.
Dear Mr Bundy Rum Bear,
I would be honoured if you attended my 24th birthday party. It will begin in the Ubud Monkey Forest at 11am, November 2. It is a Hawaiian theme so dress accordingly.
The monkeys are looking forward to meeting you. BYO rum. Bring plenty to share.
P.S. I love you Bundy Rum Bear.