MONKEYS are sensitive creatures. They are like children playing games based off what they watch on TV. Except children usually know when they are going too far.
If you value life, property and a restful night without a monkey in PJs waking you up chanting “Monkey King, Monkey King, Monkey King, Monkey King. I’m scared, can I sleep with you tonight?” then these are six movies you should never let monkeys watch (not counting Planet of the Apes).
Lilo and Stitch: I dunno why, but the concept that a hyper blue koala could crash land on an island gives the monkeys nightmares. Chompy was moaning in his sleep three nights in a row, “Stop eating me, Stitch. I don’t like dat.”
Death Race/Speed Racer: we watched all these movies two weeks ago. Eight days ago I woke to the crackling sound of metal being welded. A group of monkeys led by Abu were upgrading their mopeds, customising them with home made flame throwers.
Yesterday a monkey in metal armour was led in chains to his moped. The monkey said nothing, only allowing his team’s mechanic to tell me “the monstrosity you see before you is called Frank.” They were laying out a track through Ubud and the winner of five races would win his “freedom” somehow.
Before any monkeys citizens died spectacularly, or hurt tourists in the crossfire of SMG bullets, flames and tombstones, I had to get a Wii and make sure Mario Kart was working. The bright animated colours distracted them for a while.
The Terminator: The monkeys believe that humanity’s time will come, and that a Chimp by the name of Schwarzenegger will lead the final battle against robots in the remains of the monkey forest. So it is written.
Kick-Ass: Yesterday four of the monkeys dressed up as costumed vigilantes. They wandered Ubud for hours, but they only prevented 16 counts of jaywalking. The monkeys have been charged with 45 counts of assault (by biting).
How to Tame Your Dragon: Jo-Jo, Charlie and a bunch of their crew broke into the Safari Park so that they could tame a lion. Meanwhile, Simeon and Sally went to the nearby volcano. They spent hours digging a pit to try and get, and I quote, “the poor monster-saurus out of the lava so it can destroy the Vikings already”.
Braveheart: Some of the monkeys turned on me and shouted “you may take our lives, but you’ll never take our freedom!” Then they flashed their butts at me, which they’d painted blue.
I told them to shut up and finish sewing those clothes, before we shipped them to Java.
The culprits gave their supervisors the finger. Then they stormed off for a drink at a bar on the west side of town, which they accidentally set on fire, and the first lot of them didn’t come back for four days.
Keep an eye out for blog posts in which we tell you which TV shows, video games and board games should be banned from monkeys.