WE BEGIN filming Big Monkey! LIVE show on Friday night, to be aired on an obscure television station across Indonesia! I would tell you the time and the program, but really that should be the promoter’s job (for more information as to why we’re ripping Big Brother you should click the word exploitation).
Tonight we REVEAL some of the fifteen monkeys that will be stuck on the same tree as me. It is exciting! Secrets about the monkeys will be REVEALed. I’m banned by contract to tell you to much about them. In fact, I can only REVEAL six of the monkeys that will be joining us on the condition that I use the word “REVEAL” four times in the blog post. R word aside, we can now move on to describing:
It is said this proboscis monkey has been shipped from a hardcore Malaysian
prison zoo specially for this show. Blazer is reputed to have hospitalised several zoo visitors just for laughing at his nose. A 14-year-old boy said “look at it! The monkey has a penis!” and he was never seen again.
Probably because he went back to America, where he lived. Still, Blazer is sensitive about his nose and it will be interesting to see how he will fare among the other monkeys, who are quick to point out another’s physical features.
CAZZA and ROBERT: Orangutan couple Cazza and Robert are taking holiday from Singapore Zoo to be on the show. In fact, this orangutan couple will be part of this show’s surprise twist among the other monkey mates. They are married, but they must fool the other monkeys into thinking they are single! If they can’t, they will be evicted. Can they take their paws off one another long enough to win the show?
SIMEON: This stuffed monkey is a professional travel adventure. Simeon has been to six out of seven continents and has had his photograph taken in 143 countries and at least 643 bars and restaurants. Will his stories of his fights in the Congo, Vietnam backpacking, and hobnobs with Hollywood actors interest his monkey mates?
This was the only photograph of Simeon we had permission to use. I don’t think he’s as big as a bus.
Surely it’s a trick!
KAILEEN: TV executives are hoping Kaileen will be the “loose” one of the group. Apparently, great TV needs a floozy. I don’t agree. But you can’t deny how suggestive she is with the banana.
Kaileen lives in Ubud, where she goes by the motto “If you live on an island you are obliged to party hard!”
TIMMY: Is a rough savage who shuns contact with any form of companionship. He used to live on the volcano of Gunung Abang, and mugged unprotected travelers. When finally caught by handlers, he grudgingly made the deal he would participate on Big Monkey.
The stakes are high for Timmy. If he wins, he earns his freedom. If he loses he will be locked away in the St Brutus’s Institution for Incurable Monkeys, in England.
The other monkeys will be revealed in the live program on Friday night. Remember, Big Monkey is watching you! Actually, that’s a load of crap. You’re watching Big Monkey!