I HATE this TV show. Why? Let yesterday’s itinerary answer the rhetoric question.
7.30am: Woken up because Cazza (Orangutan) enters the throne room. Cazza is in a relationship with Robert. To make things interesting in the tree, the couple have to pretend they aren’t going out.
It’s been tough for her. Tougher for me because I had to listen to an orang-utan complain for two hours and five minutes about how Robert ignoring her is hurtful. TV editors will cut her moans into two minutes and I’m sure the end result will make great TV.
9.36am: Cazza finally shuts up and goes back down to breakfast. She gets angry at Robert for not saving her any eggs Benedict. “What?” he mouths with his fork still in his mouth. “It’s not like we’re going out or anything?”
She screams in frustration and scares most of the other monkey-mates onto the toilet branch.
11am: I watch the monkeys play Uno. Charles accidentally craps onto the deck of cards from a higher branch. “That’s why we allocate a branch for the toilet!” Blazer (Proboscis monkey) yells.
12.30: Super hot TV presenter Gina walks into the forest for a few minutes of cameo. “Hi Gina!” I shout at her. “It’s me! Monkey King!”
“Damn, we have to do the take again,” I think I heard her say. She refuses to look at me, even when I blow her a kiss.
2.15pm: I commission monkey citizens not in the tree to stalk Gina. Does she have a boyfriend? What does she like to do? Why does she find me repulsive? Answers to these would be awesome.
4pm: I tell the monkey-mates there will be an eviction in a few days. Monkeys groan dramatically, conveniently forgetting on camera that this should be no surprise.
4.30pm: Monkey-mates come up one-by-one and tell me who they nominate. Timmy the wild monkey threatens to stab me with his flick knife if he gets nominated. I laugh awkwardly. Gina gives me a thumbs up from near the fountain. “Great TV if you can aggravate him,” she mouths.
6pm: I announce the monkeys nominated for eviction; Charles (no surprise considering his Uno stunt), Macca, Bessie, and Blazer. The number to call to choose which monkey to evict will be revealed in the TV show ads.