ANNOUNCEMENT to all monkey citizens:
It is my 24th birthday next week! Which means it will be a public holiday for all of you. Unfortunately, none of you actually work. You’re unemployed or have stupid job titles like “thief” or “the Monkey King’s paw” or “death racer” or “arsonist” or “wrestler”, and so on and so forth.
I wish to give you all a present, as a thank you for being such
lazy bludgers lovely monkeys. 100 Monkey Forest dollars. Hopefully it should be enough to buy me a present. This currency is now legal tender in the forest, several of the cafes, and all Ubud market stalls (warning: the monkey forest doesn’t have a strong currency).
Now, I don’t want a large party like at my coronation! We’re still recovering from that. I mean it, no surprises. No surprises mean no more stealing white tigers from famous celebrities (most of us still can’t leave the trees in fear Bitey will maul us), spiking the drinks, giving the local birds meth (whether it is white, blue, or any other random colour. This means you, Heisenberg!), parties without my knowledge until the last second, hiring hookers (male or female or looks-female-but-turns-out-to-be-a-dude).
Now, Chompy has reminded me that I promised you all a street party for my birthday and that the Bundy Bear would attend. Oh, Chompy, by now you should learn I make a lot of crazy promises. Crazy promises that I believe when I make them.
But sometimes, reality brings us back to earth. We fall out the tree we’re climbing so that a ferocious white tiger can gnaw at our dreams and intentions.
Besides, the Bundy Bear has not replied to any of my letters I have sent him. He shall henceforth be named enemy of the kingdom and will only be forgiven if he brings some of that delicious rum with him.
Oh, also, a heads-up. My dad is coming from Australia to visit soon. He wants to see me. I warn you, he’s uptight and he will be doing whatever he can to drag me back home. Please don’t attack him. I’m looking at you Timmy. Bitey. Abu. Chompy. Mojo. Rafiki. What the hell. All the rest of you savages.
I wish you all a wonderful king’s birthday.
With love and respect to all my delightful citizens,
The Monkey King of Ubud