THERE’S this girl called Gina. She’s a TV presenter. She’s hot. I don’t think I’ve mentioned her before.
Regular viewers of my blog might be rolling their eyes right now saying “dude!”
Anyway, for a while she was disinterested and tried to ignore me as much as possible. And then we became…well…frenemies by insulting each other through Bitstrip photos. I liked to call the battles The Bitstrip Wars.
I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Surrounded by the monkeys I cared for in the heart of Bali, and insulting the girl I had the hots for.
But then I got into huge trouble when I sent this photo:
After a few days of silence – making me sweat my body weight mind you – she sent through a Facebook message.
GINA: You’re right, that is horribly inappropriate! Are you crazy? My fiance checks my Facebook page. He doesn’t want us to be friends anymore. He thinks you like me.
MONKEY KING: Oh Boo hoo! That’s nothing if you snapchatted with me.
GINA: I don’t think I ever want to.
MONKEY KING: You’re a strong, fierce, independent woman. Be friends with whoever you want to be friends with.
GINA: Stop being a patronising jerk. And no more naked photos! Or that’s it.
MONKEY KING: Only if YOU stop sending me naked photos. Chompy finds them a little arousing.
So then she sent me another Bitstrip photo. Except this photo was different. Before, it was harmless sexual innuendo, pen dropping and teasing.
MONKEY KING: Wow, just a little hurtful, Gina.
GINA: What? That’s hurtful?
MONKEY KING: Yes, I’m…hurt…Gina. I thought we had something going.
GINA: Oh shut up.
MONKEY KING: Ooh, getting angry, are you Gina?
GINA: You really piss me off. Die, you creepy jungle sleaze!
So…ignoring the danger signs that suggested the subtle danger signs had gone from “Irritated” to “Anger” to “Hate”, I posted another Bitstrip to ease the tension.
As you do.
GINA: Ha ha ha. Comparing me to Jack Nicholson? Oh honey. Is that the best you’ve got?
You would be surprised how many people have called me “crazy” or a
stoner or “heavily medicated” or like Brad Pitt’s character in 12 Monkeys (love that movie!!!).
After a while you get weary of the judgement. I know I was being a bit sensitive, and was letting Gina wind me up too easily.
So I got a bit carried away, trying to make a joke.
It’s a defence mechanism.
And it’s been half a week, and there was no sign of what she thought of my “proposal” until this morning, when I noticed she unfriended me on Facebook.
The Bitstrip Wars were over. And I was left with a sour taste and a broken phone (because I threw it at the ground), realising an important lesson: that maybe in war, there are no winners.
Even Monkey Kings can be losers.