A Monkey with no laptop

Big Monkey-1

HELLO: I’m back from my exile. 

Attempt 1

My uncle killed my dad, then sent me off to the neighbouring monkey kingdom to the north of Bali with my best mates as escorts, so the king there would kill me.

But my dad became a ghost and he warned me my friends wanted my new Nintendo when I died. So I took off and when I grew up I returned to my kingdom, and that’s when I found out my uncle married my mum.

So anyway. That’s why I couldn’t talk to you. That’s why I haven’t been updating my blog. I’m sorry, okay.

Alright, you got me, I’m full of lies. I’m just copying the plot of Hamlet Lion King.


Attempt 2

An enemy long banished invaded my peaceful kingdom, so the monkey princess and I went to take him down. Except the enemy nearly killed me. The monkey princess had to put me in a magical spell of recovery, which I remained in for two years. When I woke up the enemy had won, my kingdom in ruins, but at least the nearby resort had wi fi. I’ve tried to tell you as soon as I could.

Alright. I better tell you the truth now.

Attempt 3

My dad had his head chopped off, my brothers were banished and killed, my sisters forced into marriage. I escaped my kingdom in disguise to learn under the Many Faced Monkey God. And I became an assassin monkey. A Monkey With No Name. A Monkey With No Laptop.

Attempt 4

I was locked in a monkey prison which was basically a giant well. It was so dark that I learned to see without the light. And even though it had no roof! The roof wasn’t there so it would torment us by giving us fresh air and blue sky each day. When we got bored of the jail we would just climb out.

I couldn’t climb out because the guards who threw me in the prison broke my back. I stayed until I watched everything on Netflix, and then I fixed my back by tying my body together with rope, and then I got the hell out of there for a pack of smokes.

Attempt 5

Got caught by the Taliban and hidden in their caves so I could make them weapons that have protected my monkey kingdom for centuries. But I wasn’t giving them anything, so to spite them I created an entirely new weapon with my limited resources and while they watched me carefully as their prisoner. I created a friggin giant robot monkey with friggin laser beams.

It took ages to get out but now I’m here and apologetic that I haven’t posted on my blog so long.

Attempt 6 

I’ve been busy at work and I guess I thought this blog topic was dumb. So I ignored it and focused on binge drinking at the local clubs while pretending to work on my book and getting desperate and depressed at the end of each weekend when I somehow came through writing nothing new or creative. Then I got a girlfriend but truth was long before her I forgot that my monkey kingdom existed.

Yeah, sorry, this is total bullcrap. Even less convincing than the previous one. I’ll try again. I’ll give honesty a go.

Attempt 7


Attempt 8

One of the monkeys created the most purest, clearest form of pina colata you’ve ever tried. So we tried selling it to tourists and long story short; the monkey and I made a lot of good mates.

We had a lot of laughs, these mates and us. But after a game of Cards Against Monkeys that went horribly wrong, after a tasteless combo of cards involving the Crocodile Hunter, I decided these mates were total dicks. I tried cutting them out of the pina colata game, but they weren’t having any of it.

Anyway, I know it’s the same long story that should be short but is still kind of rambling and pointless, but cutting a heap more out of it, then I enlisted a neo-Winged Monkeys group to kill my mates who were total dicks. And the Winged Monkeys wanted my pina colatas so chained me up behind their bar in Ubud, and I wasn’t allowed internet.

So one of these attempts is the truth. But you’ll never know which. Sometimes people don’t deserve the boring truth. They are too nice to be pushed that sort of dribble. Sometimes they deserve entertaining plagiarism.


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