Posts Tagged With: animals

Where I lay myself to sleep

WE ARE still building a throne room, and a slide, and a tree house. I have explained this here. What I haven’t told you is what I do to go to sleep at night.

Sometimes I sleep at the top of the tree. I huddle in a group of monkeys when they are feeling sweet and not particularly violent. But a few days ago a local vendor offered me his old shed at the edge of the forest.

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I stay in there and sleep on a little mattress. I haven’t told the monkeys where I go to sleep because sometimes you just need a nice nap without your hair being ransacked for bugs.

It does get lonely sometimes. There is a torch I use if I can’t sleep. I read a book  and then I think about how lonely I am. Then I promise myself to cut down on the alcohol because it makes me feel sad.

But the next morning I’m back with the monkeys and I’m happy again and we party on.

 

 

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Categories: Humor, Renovations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Animal onesies to wear to a party

IT IS Rafiki’s birthday party next week. And the theme of the party is come dressed as your favourite animal.

I asked Carol my helper lady to buy me a onesie on Ebay. Carol said, “sure? What type of onesie should I get?”

That has to be one of the most perceptive questions ever asked.These sort of questions need answering. So hopefully you will find this post useful:

 TOP FIVE ANIMAL ONESIES TO WEAR TO A PARTY

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1) Lion onesie: cause then my head would be sticking out through the mane, and people would be like “oh no! That bad lion just ate Chris! Look, it has not even had the decency to swallow his face yet! How rude!”

And I would be like, “Just tricking! It’s me. I’m not really a lion” and their expression would be >:I

Just tricking! I am not a real lion.

Just tricking! I am not a real lion.

2) Sloth: A sloth would be awesome. You could rip off all the best lines from the Ice Age movies if you knew how to do a good impersonation of Sid. If you can’t, it is a good excuse to pretend to be stoned and to chill-axe on a beanbag in the corner somewhere.

For best results, do the running man dance in a sloth costume.

3)  Giraffe: I can identify with giraffes. They are tall, skinny, and awkward. They are the Napoleon Dynamites of the animal kingdom. My vote is for Pedro  the giraffe!

Screw the happy hands club. Vote Pedro.

Screw the happy hands club. Vote Pedro.

4) Bat: You could do so many funny things dressed as a bat.

A) Fight crime. Cause crime is funny when you fight the Joker, or a campy Jim Carrey.

B) Hang upside down and pretend to sleep.

C) Grope people and if they complain, say “what! I’m blind here.” ( I do not endorse this).

D) Karaoke. I recommend “Summer of 69” or “Teenage Dirtbag”. Not because the lyrics make this subject ironic. I just really like those songs.

5) Kangaroo:

kangarooYou can jump around, have a good time, and most importantly, store a crapload of alcohol and variations of other products in your pouch. Everyone would follow you at the party. You would be like the…like the snack table or the open bar. All the hot chicks or the handsome guys would lean on you and have meaningful discussions while they treat you as invisible and pretend you aren’t there.

Categories: Humor, List, Onesie, Polls | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

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