Posts Tagged With: birthday

Silly little dreamer’s birthday

My birthday in tropical paradise! I rise from my throne with a yawn and a wookie growl. It’s hard to tell whether it is the burn of the sun, or an orchestra of monkeys (and a drop bear) that wakes me from my slumber.

I leave the tree by sliding down the newly constructed flying-fox, which finishes halfway along Monkey Forest Road. It’s the best way to escape the forest without being chased by a white tiger (you sneak back in by hiding behind a tourist). Some of the monkeys follow but I kindly tell them to leave me alone for a little while. Cause I need ME time.

Bitstrip rainbows

I sit down for a refreshing ginger and apple juice at the Three Monkeys Bar. Get a massage. Ride my moped without a helmet on, dammit. Have a copper pull me up, and he recognises me and smiles and sings “Happy Birthday Mr Monkey King” in broken English, then asks for money.

I play soccer with a group of local kids in a nearby village, have Mi goreng for lunch, and get a tattoo of a machine-gun wielding monkey on my back.

I believe a birthday should be a celebration of life. Nothing planned. Nothing set. No sit down roast dinners. I think it should be doing everything on the spot. Laughing when you’re 80 and saying “See this shriveled tattoo of a monkey gunning down Nazis? My 24th! I know!” Waking up and running out of your home and facing the world and saying “I always wanted to do this, so dammit! This is my time!”

But I realised that I just wanted to be with my monkeys. I could imagine that they were sad and lonely, wondering why they couldn’t celebrate my birthday with me.


Photograph by Carol Boaden

But no, when I got back I found the selfish bastards my friends drunk. It was too hot to dance. Most of them were just chilling on Bali lounges with tequilas and chatting up hot Swedish tourists. Moby was playing so loud on our collection of stereos that I could hear him from the other end of Monkey Forest Road. The traffic was hell, with most of the locals swarming closer, refusing to miss another monkey party. A bouncer (what the? Who hired him?) was blockading the gate, only letting in the chicks.

“You can’t come in!” the bouncer said. “I’ve been warned about you.” Then he chuckled and slapped me on the back and said “had you going.”

I entered, surveying the madness. I stepped over what I first thought was a mutated hedgehog (nothing like Sonic though) but was actually a stoned white tiger with an insane amount of tranquilisers pinned into the fur.

I grabbed a “cold one” from an esky and that’s when all the monkeys jumped up and ambushed me and lifted me. I crowd surfed all the way through the forest and was at last put down onto my throne. The monkeys handed  me presents and cards, blabbering I had to open theirs first.

Well, I couldn’t open everybody’s first, so they helped me do it. Mojo opened Timmy’s present, a Kris (Indonesian sword). “Oh boy!” Just what I wanted!” Mojo shrieked, and ran down the tree with it to show his friends.

Garrett the drop-bear gave me a collection of The Doors albums, Jo-Jo gave me a golden engraved staff and some socks, and Lucy returned my Gossip Girl DVDs.

I opened the cards last. That’s how I do things.

This was my favourite cover:

monkey king card

But wait! There’s more!

Monkey king card 2

 I couldn’t have had a better year, so thank you all for putting up with my eccentricities and crazy dreams. I love you all.

Categories: Humor, Party | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

20 gift ideas for a monkey king (or for any dude who is awesome!)

I HAVE written a list of 20 things you could get a monkey king for his birthday. This list will be useful if you know a monkey king and it’s his birthday soon, and you don’t know what to get him. However, it is Christmas soon and I believe this list can be applicable for childlike men who love their freedom.

Coincidentally, it’s my birthday next week. But this is irrelevant.

Anyway, you could start by getting:

– A real live Pokemon. But if you can’t catch one, then  I will settle for an exotic animal disguised as a Pokemon. EXCEPT: don’t get me a goldfish and say it’s a Magikarp. DON’T. YOU. BLOODY. DARE.

– A date with Taylor Swift (if you are in a position to make arrangements, reassure her that I wouldn’t be sleazy or nothing. I’m happy with a coffee and a chat about what inspires us to write)

– Jetpack!!!!


This man has it all. Taken from

– What every guy wants. A hover board. Even if its pink

–  A mailbox (well, I do need one)

– A replica of the Mcleod sword (Highlander)

– Sonic screwdriver

– Time machine (yeah, I know, there’s just as much chance as dating Swift)

-An army of ninjas OR a troupe of Scottish soldiers

– A pet gorilla

-Electric collar for Bitey our white tiger

– A mini-me of me

– My dream car. A 1992 Diahatsu Charade.

Diahatsu Charade

Taken from

– A chance to hang out with Green Day, but I would settle for Weird Al

– Packet of jellybeans


– The Bill Hicks biography

– World peace (I know, what a wanky thing to put on the list, but seriously if you were in the position to achieve this, you should totally do it. I wouldn’t even expect you to get anything else, as long as I get some sort of dedication for this achievement)

– A Monopoly board accompanied with promises of immunity (no fingers crossed you cheats!) if I land on your hotels

– Free hugs

Free hugs

Categories: Humor, List, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

A message from the king: birthday

ANNOUNCEMENT to all monkey citizens:

It is my 24th birthday next week! Which means it will be a public holiday for all of you. Unfortunately, none of you actually work. You’re unemployed or have stupid job titles like “thief” or “the Monkey King’s paw” or  “death racer” or “arsonist” or “wrestler”, and so on and so forth.

Monkey King currency I wish to give you all a present, as a thank you for being such lazy bludgers lovely monkeys. 100 Monkey Forest dollars. Hopefully it should be enough to buy me a present. This currency is now legal tender in the forest, several of the cafes, and all Ubud market stalls (warning: the monkey forest doesn’t have a strong currency).

Now, I don’t want a large party like at my coronation! We’re still recovering from that. I mean it, no surprises. No surprises mean no more stealing white tigers from famous celebrities (most of us still can’t leave the trees in fear Bitey will maul us), spiking the drinks, giving the local birds meth (whether it is white, blue, or any other random colour. This means you, Heisenberg!),  parties without my knowledge until the last second, hiring hookers (male or female or looks-female-but-turns-out-to-be-a-dude).

No surprises!

Now, Chompy has reminded me that I promised you all a street party for my birthday and that the Bundy Bear would attend. Oh, Chompy, by now you should learn I make a lot of crazy promises. Crazy promises that I believe when I make them.

But sometimes, reality brings us back to earth. We fall out the tree we’re climbing so that a ferocious white tiger can gnaw at our dreams and intentions.

Stupid tiger.

stupid tiger

Besides, the Bundy Bear has not replied to any of my letters I have sent him. He shall henceforth be named enemy of the kingdom and will only be forgiven if he brings some of that delicious rum with him.

Oh, also, a heads-up. My dad is coming from Australia to visit soon. He wants to see me. I warn you, he’s uptight and he will be doing whatever he can to drag me back home. Please don’t attack him. I’m looking at you Timmy. Bitey. Abu. Chompy. Mojo. Rafiki. What the hell. All the rest of you savages.

I wish you all a wonderful king’s birthday.

With love and respect to all my delightful citizens,

The Monkey King of Ubud

Categories: Humor, letter | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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