Posts Tagged With: Mojo

Death to the Monkey King

It has been a number of weeks since the Monkey King has posted on WordPress. There are some good reasons to this. And it falls to me – a talking, computer literate monkey –  to narrate the story.

This is the story of the fall of the Monkey King.

Read it well:

It’s tough to describe the character of my former lord. Some describe him as a tyrant. To others; a simpleton. An Australian disillusioned by the wealth, pretension and grandeur in his country. I don’t believe it. To me, he wasn’t a friend, a kind soul, a saviour.

He was my boss.

So I hated him. Even though he liked me.

“You’re my favourite monkey, Mojo! You’re the pick of the litter,” the Monkey King said over and over (sorry to the monkeys who are reading this, I guess you weren’t that important in the MK’s eyes. He never mentioned you to me at any rate, so you couldn’t have been important).

But I had to tell the fool that all the monkeys in the forest weren’t related, so they couldn’t be in a single litter. Besides, monkeys aren’t puppies. Or cats. They are monkeys. I don’t believe monkeys relate to litters. Unless the monkeys are throwing bananas and rubbish on the ground. As in; “stop littering, you stupid monkeys!”

Some compare the Monkey King (our lord Chewbacca) to looking like Jim Morrison.

Jim Morrison

Nah. That’s not true. Jim Morrison has sex appeal. Not that I was sexually attracted to Morrison. It wouldn’t work out. He’s a human. A guy. And he’s a musician.

Never date a musician.

Oh, and I’m quite sure he’s dead. I read somewhere that he was dead.

The Monkey King had blue eyes. Everyone talked about his blue eyes. They startled a person and you had to avoid staring at him because the intensity of his pupils scared you. It was embarrassing to make eye contact. There was something deeply personal about the transaction. All the Balinese locals spoke about his eyes. They said “the Monkey King has blue eyes. Lovely blue eyes. Beautiful blue eyes. I wish I had blue eyes.” In fact, the vendors in the marketplace bought fake eye contacts as deep blue as fake plastic sapphire. To sell them, the vendors pitched them to potential buyers as “Monkey King eyes.”

“Ay you, want eyes like Monkey King?”

Nobody wanted eyes like the Monkey King, it turned out. Not for 70,000 Rupiah anyway. The eyes were too deep set, they made him seem crazy.

Chris Bitstrip

But it wasn’t his eyes that made him crazy. It was his actions.

Sure, in his blog he blamed the craziness on the monkeys, but we just obeyed his orders. He was insane.

And through his insanity, dis-contention began among the ranks.

-He’d play his trumpet in the early morning, waking us up at 5am to When the Saints Go Marching In.

– He burnt down Rafiki’s treehouse while we were having a onesie party. What an evil thing to do.

Having fun. Ha ha ha ha ha, see?

Having fun. Ha ha ha ha ha, see?

– He refused to marry and produce heirs. He broke the heart of our lovely Scar-face. Toyed with her emotions.

Scar-face-web-quality

-He endorsed slave labour.

– He kidnapped a drop bear from its native country, and released a white tiger, using them to spread fear among the monkeys (who are terrified by them). He’d say “if you don’t do what you’re told and work 15 hours a day for free, then the drop bear and white tiger will get you!”

-He made us watch Gossip Girl and Neighbours. It was never the good shows. I still haven’t caught up with Game of Thrones.

-And, I’m pretty sure he ate this monkey for breakfast last Sunday

Chelsea Suzanne Photography

Why would you eat such a cute little thing? What a monster!

– And so, you might be tempted to think of the Monkey King as a martyr, a kind man, a nobleman, a hero of sorts, especially when you learn what happened to him.

But actually, he was just a man. A monkey man. As cruel and as deceitful as the rest of us.

I continue soon.

Categories: Humor, literature | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Meet the Monkey: Mojo

THIS is the second Meet The Monkey, where we learn about one of my monkey citizens. This time round we’re going to interview Mojo! I have mentioned this blighter quite frequently recently. He’s also in my coronation portrait. He’s being punished for hacking onto my Facebook.

Mojo-1

Profession: thief, stand-up comedian, brain surgeon,  the Monkey King’s footrest, Dunce, karate master, superhero, professional exaggerator.

First mention in All Hail the Monkey King: In Party Hard or Go Home (July 7 2013). At a onesie party, Mojo persuaded a drunk Monkey King to have a go at fire twirling.

Birthplace: a circus in Thailand.

MK/ Really? How’d you get here?

MOJO/ Um…circus life is like a prison. It was a cruel upbringing where they tied me in a sack and whacked me with bamboo canes for fun.

And you also had to learn tricks. There was this horrible trick where I had to drive a motorbike through a fire hoop. And juggle at the same time. Chainsaws! Three of them. And when I refused to do it my rations were halved for a week. So I escaped. I climbed a tree to get away from the trainers, and they climbed up to get me, and then I grabbed a bird’s legs and it flew me all the way to Indonesia.

MK/ You’re a liar.

MOJO/ That wasn’t a question…but yeah, I am. So what? Your blog is full of lies anyway.

MK/ That’s a lie! Everything on here is the truth!

MOJO/ Oh yeah? Then why haven’t you deleted my deceitful answers?

Arch-enemies: Clowns. Especially Ronald McDonald. In my young days I insulted the Clowns Guild (yeah. They have a guild which was formerly known as the Assassin’s Guild). I’m blacklisted and they are powerful enemies. You might think they’re funny…but that’s what they want you to think. Until they hide in a drain and rip your arms off.

Religion: You know the one where you don’t give a stuff so that you can let life pass you by, and then when you die you can say to the god who greets you that you had his back the whole time? Akunamatataism.

If you could go out on a date with one celebrity, who would it be?: Come on! She’s all I talk about. Lady Gaga.

Ripped from stockphototops.blogspot.com.

Ripped from stockphototops.blogspot.com.

What would you do on this date?: We would dress in the craziest gear you could think of (think bright colours, parasols, bow ties) and then we’d go to…um…Singapore! And eat sting ray and dumplings in a hawker’s market. But only if that’s what she wanted to do. Then I’d kiss her. And tell her she’s beautiful.

Relationships: I’m single.

MK/ Liar.

MOJO/ Alright. I have three girlfriends and two wives in the monkey forest. And I have a sister I left at the circus in Thailand. And a pen pal from Kenya. And Brazil. And Vietnam. And India. And Ubud.

MK/ You live in Ubud, fool!

MOJO/ Yeah, but you can never write too many letters. People/monkeys really appreciate it when you write handwritten letters. It shows that you care. That you took the time to steal a pen and  grab some bark and put some coherent letters and words together.

My opinion of King Chewbacca the Monkey King: Um…he’s a gullible fool who shouldn’t leave his smart phone lying around, especially if he doesn’t want his Facebook hacked. But other than that, he’s not a bad drinking buddy.

View on monarchy: What’s that? Oh…yeah, the king and queens and princes and crap. Honestly, I don’t get how one royal family gets all the attention in the media. It suggests to me that royalty no longer has anything to do with the power and roles of running a kingdom. Instead, it’s a gene pool that provides a source of celebrities that the media sorely crave as a cheap source of “information” gathering. There. I said it.

Favourite blog:  There’s one about this monkey who travels the world. His name is Kongo. If you’re reading this, Kongo, I just wanna tell you you’re an inspiration to all of us! Keep living the (sniff) dream.

Categories: Interview, Meet the Monkey | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Pray for Mojo: top 10 coolest monkeys (part 1)

We all like Best Of Lists. We all like (or hate) monkeys. So why not a Best of Monkeys (top 10)? Classic.

I will give a monkeys paw (that grants wishes) to have the following monkeys in my Ubud kingdom. For variety, I have avoided listing different monkeys from the same creative universe.

There are no gorillas on the list. Gorillas deserve their own list. Don’t expect King Kong, Mighty Joe Young, Mojo Jojo or that awesome gorilla that took down a helicopter in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Because it’s not going to happen.

Let’s begin.

10) Jolly Chimp cymbal monkey (Toy Story 3)

Quote: secret informant [to Woody]: Your real problem’s the monkey. The monkey’s the eye in the sky. He sees everything…classrooms, hallways, even the playground. You can unlock doors, sneak past guards, climb the wall, but if you don’t take out that monkey, you ain’t going nowhere. You want to get out of here? GET RID OF THAT MONKEY!

Jolly Chimp

When Andy’s toys get donated to the Sunnyside Daycare, they think it’s going to be a sweet life. But the kids are monsters and the toys are ill-treated and abused. They cannot escape because the toys in charge (led by a pink teddy bear tyrant by the name of Lotso) aren’t going to let them.

So the toys have to break out of the kindergarten to get back to Andy.

Unfortunately, the kindergarten is surrounded by an eight foot wall to keep toys and children in, and perverts out. Watching everything with security cameras, always watching, is a monkey that clangs his symbols any time something goes wrong, which echoes through the sound system and alerts the toy guards.

Why he’s in the top 10? Because this is one vigilant monkey. Nothing gets by him.

And he’s the minion of a pink teddy bear. That also counts for something.

9)  Caesar (Planet of the Apes)

Quote: No!

Caesar

The quote sounds lame, but you could have heard a popcorn drop in the cinemas when Caesar bellows out against his human enemy, Draco Malfoy. The transformation from cute smart monkey with a human master to angry, warlike (yet not vengeful) simian with a human friend who respects him is what makes you side towards the monkeys instead of the controlling, arrogant humans.

Caesar is the monkey that has to make you believe a rise of the apes is possible, and yes, he almost can.

8) Madagascar monkeys (Madagascar movies)

Quote: Monkey: If you’ve got any poo, throw it now.

madagascar monkeys

You do laugh at these monkeys, but mainly because their humour is droll and dry. They are gentlemen monkeys, and a novelty in the first Madagascar, thankfully, usually only commenting from time to time about poo.

It’s not for the fact they rebuild a crashed plane that actually works after arguing for maternity leave from their penguin employers that’s put them on this list. It’s because they break out of the zoo just to throw poo at Tom Wolfe speaking at the Lincoln Centre

7)  Diddy Kong (Nintendo)

Quote: Cranky Kong: Team up? I’ve never heard such rubbish in my life! When I played, I was on my own. I had no fancy backup!

Diddy Kong

Unfortunately it has been a long time since I played Donkey Kong Country and I have never really played any later game with Diddy in them. The exception is Super Smash Brothers Brawl. What I do know is he has a popular enough fan base to be more than just a sidekick to Donkey.

He knows karate, can shoot a peanut gun and uses a jet pack made from barrels! (Donkey Kong equivalent to cannons. Basically, Diddy has cannon jetpacks!). He can also hold his own in Super Smash. He almost has Donkey Kong’s strength but add the agility and the peanut gun, and you’ve got one tough monkey that just refuses to die against Charizards, Dr Mario or the dreaded Princess Peach.

6) Mojo the helper monkey (The Simpsons):

Quote: Pray for Mojo

Mojo the helper monkey

When Homer learns wheelchair bound Apu (owner of the Kwikemart) gets a helper monkey to work at the cash register, he thinks of the best way to get out of doing chores around the house. He buys Mojo the monkey.

When a frantic Marge discovers there’s a monkey in the house, Homer says “relax. He can do anything you show him!” So he teaches Mojo how to use the telephone.

BUT how does Mojo beat Mr Teeny? (Krusty’s stage monkey?) when Mr Teeny can rollerskate and chomp cigars? Well, Mojo wears a nappy so he doesn’t need to be toilet trained. He can make orange juice. He drinks Duff Beer. And he can do a happy dance! Even when he’s not happy!

But the best part is when Homer gets him to steal donuts from a donut shop. Instead of giving his master the tasty rewards, Mojo climbs up a power pole and helps himself to the tasty treats while Homer shouts “you’re a helper monkey! This isn’t helping!”

You can read part two of top 10 coolest monkeys here! Feel free to comment on who your favourite monkey is. Do you disagree or agree with numbers 10 to six? Tell us!

 

Categories: Humor, List | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

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